


Finding Natalie

by Randomhumanbeing



Category: 36 Questions (Podcast)
Genre: Drinking, Drug Use, Past Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:55:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27532612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randomhumanbeing/pseuds/Randomhumanbeing
Summary: This takes place between Answer 36 and Listen Back. Warning now that this fic will involve talk of child abuse (physical and emotional), unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use and therapy. If these are bad topics for you this may not be the fic for you. Even if they’re not, make sure to take care of yourself.Judith has decided to leave Jace, she's moving on with her life and becoming the best version of herself. But doing that isn't as easy as she might think, and she might need a little help along the way.
Kudos: 3





	1. For the record: I'm working on self improvement

**Author's Note:**

> This fandom doesn't have nearly enough fics. This fic is extremely oc heavy and might involve JudithX Oc eventually.

Judith sighed and rubbed her temples. She'd just finished reading the 16 questions left over from her last conversation with Jace. Every word had been so heart achingly familiar, a wave of emotions had crashed through her skull the minute she'd seen the email at the top of her inbox, which she was pretty certain was why she now had this godforsaken headache. 

She wanted that to be it. For those final 16 questions to make them both feel content enough to finally give them both satisfaction and let them truely move on. But something still didn't feel right, there was still a piece missing in the puzzle of their relationship. She put her head on her desk and groaned, why couldn't life be just a little simpler? For once? Please? 

She turned her head and spotted it in the corner of her eye, alongside the rest of the things she'd forgotten to put away or throw out was a spiral notebook. Her eyes widened and she skittered over to it and quickly picked it up. The cover said 'The Record Volume 1' and her stomach did a series of terrifying trapeze acts. This was what she'd used after leaving her iphone wuth Jace. It was primitive but functional, covered with miscilanious stains. Which was an inevitable when you carry around something that can't be cleaned with you everywhere. 

She gripped the page in her hand, thin and slightly damp with condensation. The ink on the pages was only legible enough for her to read. But that would be enough for now. It was time to look back.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------

For the record it's 3 am. I bought a bottle of wine and ice cream and am sitting in the same hotel that Jace ran from me from a few hours ago. Hence the wine. It's been 4 hours since I decided to start working on myself. I feel good about this, it's not like I'm a total failure and all. I have a job waiting for me back home. I should get a cat or something lean into the idea that I might have just left my only chance at real happiness and might be alone forever. 

Great.

For the record I'm out of wine. I'm going for a drive, maybe I'll get caught for drunk driving. That would be a fitting end to the day.

For the record I didn't get arrested. I think the fresh air really helped to clear my mind. I don't need Jace. I'm not some damsel who bases her self worth completely on her husband, how pathetic would that be? I'm a strong women, I drove halfway around the country multiple times by myself. I don't need someone else to define me and I'm better off without someone who doesn't want me.

Granted no one's ever wanted me. 

What's there to want? 

I am not sober enough right now or maybe I need to sleep and that's why I'm so all over the place. I'll continue my thoughts in the morning, or maybe whenever I have time.


	2. For the record my impulsiveness is not a problem

I'm finally back on the road. I'm heading home. Yeah, I know my last message was all about how sad I still feel, but that was yesturday and today's today. I have a home waiting for me. And a job. A job that means hours and hours sitting at a desk, answering phonecalls trying to explain to people that 'our company isn't in charge of that, but if you'd like I can give you a ten dollar giftcard for your next purchase.'

I've repeated that phrase so many times it's drilled into my skull. Corporate words and phrases are like a million little fireants burrowing its way through the pores of your skin, getting inside every inch of your body until you die from the force and power they have. 

And then after that I get to go home. Alone. 

The truth of this whole thing is that I stopped right in front of this random gas station because I can't think of a reason to go back and it feels like my head's turning on me again, though I say that like my head's ever on my side. 

What's the point? To be alone, contribute nothing that a million other people couldn't and then one day die? I think some part of me knows on a rational level that Jace wasn't my last chance. Or maybe that part's just insistant that he isn't because I need something right now and nothing else in life will give it to me. Like yeah, I'm hot. Getting laid won't be the problem here. Once anyone gets what they want BAM they realize there's something wrong with this girl. 

God what's wrong with me?

So after that moment I went inside and grabbed a hot dog, some fries, some coke- SODA not coke. But more importantly I took one of their help wanted applications. I've never actually worked a minimum wage type of deal before, so it's worth a shot. At least until I can get my brain in order. I'm soooo tempted to call my old boss and landlord and tell them to suck it but I'm not that impulsive...

Okay I really shouldn't say that when I used up all my holiday vacations to travel halfway across the country with no plan to try to convince my ex-husband to take me back and am currently planning on signing up for this job in the middle of nowhere. 

Well you know what they say, you don't get anywhere in life without a little risk. Wish me luck.


End file.
